Who Wants To Be A Popstar?
by The Last Little Kodamas
Summary: Okay, here goes: Don Corneo is advertising the start of a pop group...... a female pop group, but that doesn't deter our heroes.... who will be chosen??


Barret had just finished watching his soaps, (Passions; of course) when the tv screen flickered, and began the next show. A man with three chins, beady, little black, piggy eyes, and bleach blonde hair appeared on the screen. Barett recognized him immediately. It was (GASP) Don Corneo, the biggest perve in all of wall market! (and there were a hell of alotta perves in wall market!!) 

"Hey, do you have what it takes to be a pop star??" He managed to mumble through his fat lips. 

Barrett's eyes widened. "Yes!" He screamed. 

"Are you sexy??" Don asked looking much more interested than before. 

Again, Baretts eyes widened. "YES!" 

"Do you have nothing better to do with your time??" 

After a slight pause, and a review of what he had done that day, Barrett came to his conclusion: "YES!!!" 

"If so you should be a pop star!!! We're having interviews tommorrow in my mansion. Dress skimpily, and wear lotsa makeup. Oh, yeah, umm, being able to sing an asset, but not required. Be there!! and bring your friends!!" 

Barett jotted down the number and jumped up to go show Cid, Cloud, Red 13 and Vincent! 

***************Some time later****************** 

"Hey! that's my pantyhose!!" Cloud yelled. 

"Pass me that concealer!" Vincent called out absently. 

"Where the hell is my thong??" Muttered Barrett as he walked past in his diva outfit. 

"I don't think this looks right..." Red 13 mumbled as he attempted to walk in his tight, catsuit, which was undone at the front, revealing way too much fur... 

"Okay, ladies!" Cid called, angrily, bringing them all to a stop. They stared at him. He was wearing hooker boots, short shorts, and a halter top. His pink feather boa hung around his neck, limply. Who's got my lipstick?" 

*************Again, some time later*************** 

The finished works of art stood for inspection infront of Tifa. She paced back and forth infront of them. 

"Barret, lose scrunchie. You need to let your hair hang down. It looks sexier that way." 

"Cloud. Cloud, Cloud, Cloud. With all your experience with this sort of thing, I'd think YOU would have enough sense not to wear blue eyeliner and pink lipstick together." 

"Vincent, why the hell are you still wearing your cape?" She asked him. He looked embarassed. 

"Well, it's sorta like a security blanket. It's my security cape..." He muttered quietly, hoping the others hadn't heard. Their fits of giggles told him they had. 

"Red 13? Is that you?? You look- for lack of better words- gorgeous!!" She examined him carefully, as he puffed his chest out proudly- a chest that was now a triple c-cup. His high heels were bright red and matched his tight, sequin cat suit, which was, no longer open. 

She finished her inspection. "You all look great. GOOD LUCK!!" 

************At Corneo's Mansion************* 

The line-up was long. Very long, but Cid managed to make most of them go unconcious as they all cut up to the front of the line (Barrett had spilled the entire bottle of cologne on him earlier on). 

The 3 guards at the front of the line were easily recognizable as some of the thugs Cloud had met up with at his first visit to the mansion. 

"WHOOO- HOOOOO!!!!" The one shouted. 

"GO RIGHT IN, LADIES!!!" The other cried. 

The third just stood there, staring at Barrett with a dreamy look in his eyes. 

They made their way in, and up the stairs to Corneo's office. The guards let them in, and had them line up infront of Corneo's desk. Sloud was all too familiar with this scenario. He turned around, examined them, and then jumped up onto his desk, which wobbled, threatening to crash to the floor. 

"WHOO-HOOOOO!!!! Look at these lovely specimens!" He said, his little piggy eyes zooming straight to Red 13's bust. "A-HEM! Now, I am required to ask you some questions." He snatched up a clipboard, as he sat back down in his chair. 

Number One: What kind of perfume do you wear? 

Barrett: Obsession 

Red 13: Happy 

Cloud: Vanilla Fields 

Vincent:Old Spice (Don Corneo pauses, slightly taken back, but then continues.) 

Cid: Pupa Fiori Bouquet de Parfum (Everyone stares at Cid-"What? It come in a pretty bottle!") 

Number Two: Are you wearing underwear right now? (Don leans forward in interest) 

Barret: Thong 

Red 13: No 

Cloud: No 

Vincent: Briefs (Again Don stares, and continues) 

Cid: "Giggle!" (No response) 

Number Three: Can you sing? 

Barret: No 

Red 13: Maybe a little.... (Begins to howl, and Don cringes) 

Cloud: No 

Vincent: Breaks out into some unknown song about him and some girl.... (Don stares) 

Cid: No 

"WHOOO-HOOOO!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!" Don walks back and forth infront of the line up, before stopping infront of ..... (drumroll).................................... Vincent!!! 

"C'MON BABY!! Lets you and me......discuss business!" Don yells as he drags a very happy Vincent back to his bedroom. 

UPDATE 

Vincent never does become a pop star. Don's popstar ad was a scam to find fresh meat, because there were no more women in wall market who he hadn't slept with. For some reason, it didn't work out right for him after he chose Vincent........ 

Red 13 however can now be seen wearing lipstick- he swears it's lip balm- and Barrett's thong underwear hasn't been seen in the wash for months. Cloud was also seen roaming the streets in a silk dress, with Don Corneo at his arm. They all lived happily ever after. 

Authors Note 

Hi, I'm Jessica, I'm a friend of Teg. I wrote the bulk of "Who Wants To Be A Popstar?", but Teg helped me out when I wrote myself into a corner. I apologise for any implications that the characters in FF7 are gay, or overly horny or just.....sick. 

Please write me a review!! 


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